Thursday, 27 January 2011

Life As We Know It! My Husband Is My Dealer!

Here is my weekly post on life in general. Each week I will pick a different topic that may be a news article or an aspect of my life. So keep an eye out for my new series entitled, 'Life As We Know It'. If it doesn't interest you, don't worry I will not be offended if you skip it. I just like to chortle and snigger to myself. I may need therapy for it.




My name is Vivienne and I am a bookaholic.

I would like to say I slipped down this slippery slope alone, but my husband aided my addiction by acting as my book pimp. He feeds my habit by supplying me with book money to splurge, which has me racing to my shady book dealer, eager for my next literary fix. On Christmas Day, overdosing is inevitable as my habit gets out of hand at the sight of my entire Amazon book wish list sitting under the Christmas tree.

I am choosy about what I take. I tend to stay on friendly terms with my fiction supplier, rather than venturing anywhere else.

I have no control anymore and I need help. Books are taking over my life and I need to stop them now before I am found buried under the Eiffel Tower of unread books in my house, all clamouring for my attention. I can see them, sitting there, watching me with their beady eyes, jumping off the shelves to grab my attention, showing no fear as they commit book suicide by breaking their spines on their descent. My book pimp suggests hiding the books to try and keep my habit a secret, worried the neighbours might out me. Personally I like to live on the edge, leaving the books out, risking being caught and banged to rights. I don't think a doctor or a psychiatrist would help, the medical journals in their offices would only lead me to take up a non-fiction habit as well. I have tried contacting the NHS help line, but as I cannot tell them of any physical symptoms caused by my addiction, they cannot help.

I am not alone out there, there are others you know. We all share the same book dealers. We can often be found in bookshops. You will recognise us when you see us. We will either be showing customers what they should be reading by impersonating an employee or being asked to leave by security for harassing customers, intent on making their own book choices. We have no self control.

The library is another one of our favourite haunts. You will find us lurking by the returns section, casually browsing the shelf whilst keeping a beady eye on the books that have been returned. We will pounce, so be warned. We hate to think someone has read something good and that we have missed it. The librarians taunt us about our habit by waving new releases under our noses, they know we cannot resist temptation, we are too weak. Personally, I know when my next library fix is ready, my pimp will tell me that my office has called.

It has been hard for my family to come to terms with this. My brother was honest about his book addiction from the beginning, whereas I hid my secret for a long time. They have found it hard to come to terms with my obsessive reading patterns. I can only look back with sadness at the missed family events, the disappearances and the hiding of books. They try to remember the good times, before I found book blogs and delved into the world of memes and Sunday Salons. My mother finds comfort in her memories of me as a magazine browser, or the time I was an EastEnders viewer. My daughters don't know any different and have accepted the situation as they wouldn't recognise me without a book in front of my face. My friends have long since abandoned me, disillusioned with my constant book chatter, afraid of my Mount Vesuvius melt downs when they disliked a book I loved.

There is only one answer to my problem. I will have to set up a support group called 'Books Anonymous' to help myself and fellow addicts. It will be a safe place for us to go. No one will judge us for our habit. Somewhere that we can go to feel safe, to feel normal. Have a chat about how we are trying to overcome our habit. Have a cuppa, maybe even a digestive, though not chocolate ones, got to think of the calories. Perhaps even have a book amnesty, where we can bring a couple of books each week with no questions asked. I might even be asked to talk on Oprah or Jeremy Kyle as the founding leader of this new organisation. I might even win the Nobel Prize for my relentless work with book addicts.

I know that many of you out there are trying to contain your habit, but you don't have to be alone anymore. I am going to help you. From this day forward I will be known as the international leader of 'Books Anonymous'. Come to a weekly meeting, take a seat, tell me your name, and leave a couple of books on your way out. I will personally make sure that they reach a good home...Mwooarrr haha (Rubbing my hands with glee.)

The above post is a slightly over exaggerated view of the truth! I know we are not really like this. Or are we? Mmmmmm.

26 comments:

  1. I was laughing out loud when I read about the impersonating an employee at a bookstore, I have plenty of those memories. What's worse I even do it in the YA section now :) Love the post by the way!

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  2. lol. You can expect me at the next meeting then ;) I certainly DO need help :P

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  3. Too too funny Viv; you really have a writing talent. LOL

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  4. "the medical journals in their offices would only lead me to take up a non-fiction habit as well." LOL :D
    So funny and I totally relate!

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  5. My name is Tracy and I'm also a bookaholic with a dealer for a husband. It's wonderful that we now have a safe haven in which to meet even if it means feeding each others addiction, thank you Vivienne.

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  6. great post! There are certainly worse addictions to have!

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  7. I have a group of pimps - does that make me greedy? My friend and sister who deal the books and my partner who deals the art & craft stuff. I can pretty much be bribed to do anything by this group. Annnnnnnnnything!

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  8. "We will either be showing customers what they should be reading by impersonating an employee" Um, yeah, very very guilty of this one.

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  9. Oh my god, I laughed because it is all true. I used to have other hobbies and interests, didn't I? I used to watch movies and TV and do other things .. didn't I? Now my only friends are my stack of books and my computer for typing up my reviews.

    Hi, my name is Michelle, and I too am a bookaholic.

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  10. Loving this post! You write so good, and I do not think I will bring any books to that meeting *looks around* But I can help you give those books left behind good homes

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  11. Not me. I don't have a problem. I can quit any time I want to. :P

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  12. Vivienne! This was so much fun to read, and I love the button you designed (Cooltext rocks!). I will certainly tune in to the next segment of Life As We Know It!!

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  13. Oh Viv--this post absolutely cracked me up. Especially the part about your husband being your book pimp. Sadly mine will have nothing to do with my habits, but in a way I guess that helps me a little bit. My goal this year is to read as much off my shelves as possible--hopefully that will prevent me from being smashed to death in an avalanche of books! Ha!

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  14. loving this new feature--i'm getting such a sense for you as a writer and for your humor! posts like this are fun and this one cracked me up. i can totally relate.

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  15. lol...how funny!
    I'm a bookaholic married to my book pimp as well :)
    I'm currently reading about 4 books and if I ask my hubby for money for new books, he will gladly hand the cash over no questions asked.

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  16. Problem? I don't got no problem!
    :)
    This post was delightful and laugh out loud funny. My husband can join the ranks of dealer too.
    You are a great writer and I hope to read a novel written by you some day!

    Oh--and Ella Minnow Pea? One of my favorite books of all time. You wrote a great review of it, by the way.

    *smiles and happy weekend to you*
    Kim

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  17. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

    I must be a book addict as I became quite jealous of your book pimp and the fact that your entire Amazon wishlist is left under your Christmas tree :)

    And...I have also found myself recommending novels to random strangers in the local bookstore.

    Unfortunately, no one in my immediate family shares my love for books, so I must rely on the compassion of my cyber community friends.

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  18. Hahahaha! That's brilliant. :D My brothers are my book dealers - they're always giving me books as presents and Waterstones vouchers even though I make it clear I'm trying to get through my TBR before buying anything new. :P

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  19. Hilarious... but oh so true.

    I'm a bookaholic too. I'm actually at the point where I'm embarrassed to go into the bookstore near my work, because I'm sure they're thinking 'wasn't she just in here *yesterday*?'

    And on Friday, I found a book in my desk drawer at work that I'd simply *had* to have the day I bought it, but haven't managed to take home yet. And I bought it in September. Obviously, I just needed the high of a book purchase that day.

    Total book addict here.

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  20. I'm a bookaholic too! But I must say I am doing very well these days stepping into bookstores and coming out empty-handed. My friends looked at me like I'm an alien (Alice, are you for real? NO BOOKS?!?!). I'm proud of myself. I can get use to this... Hmmm...

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  21. Haha... I want to be a member of this support group :)

    Hope you've been having a wonderful weekend Viv!

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  22. Vivienne, you crack me up! I can just picture you in a book store impersonating an employee. Too funny! Please keep up this series.

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  23. My name is Sheree and I'm a bookaholic! Let me know when you organise a 12 step program ... I want to sign up LOL

    Great post Viv and I can so relate. Just recently I butted in when an employee at Angus and Robertson couldnt think of an author's name for a customer ... I of course knew the answer and couldnt help myself *hahahah*

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  24. EXCELLENT post Viv and so, so true LOL. Obviously I am also a bookaholic and a proud member of Bookaholics Anonymous. I'm not kidding either, they really do exist! Google it.

    Thanks for brightening my day with our similar sense of humour ;)

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  25. Me and my husband has been married for about 6years now but have not be able to get pregnant and last year his family member want me out of the house because they said i was on able to give them a child and they want him to get married to someone else i have know where to run to one day a friend of my told me about Dr Gboco on how powerful he is and how he has also help her with spell so i have to contact him immediately on his email: gbocotemple@yahoo.com and he told me what i have to do which i did and after 7days i started seeing some charges in my body and i have to go and have a test carried out on me and find out that i was pregnant and it was just like a dream to me and i and my husband are very happy now and even the family member love me more than ever before and i had my baby delivered on may this years thanks to Dr Gboco.

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Hiya, thanks for stopping by, it is always nice to hear what you have to say, so do leave a comment if you have time.