Thursday, 17 February 2011

Life As We Know It! Why Can't I Have A New Car????


My husband has put his foot down. He refuses to buy me a new car! Even though he has to jump start my car as part of his morning routine.

Why? I hear you cry in horror. You know that I must be a careful and considerate driver!

From some strange reason, my husband disagrees.

OK, so it took me a year to work out that my car had five gears. I thought that would be a reasonable mistake to make by someone who only learnt to drive with four gears. No one mentioned a fifth? I just thought the manufacturer suffered with a form of numerical dyslexia.

I can understand what he means by not using the car door as a hurdle, but if the cyclist has been watching he would have noticed me opening the door before he catapulted over the top of it and landed dazed on the bonnet. I bought him lunch to compensate the mishap and remarked on possible new career opportunities as his athletic abilities were surely worthy of the 2012 Olympics.

And doesn’t everyone look at houses whilst driving. I thought it was compulsory to look whilst driving and I am sure it was part of my driving test. I do occasionally look at the road in front, but how will I ever find my dream home, if I don’t peruse the for sale signs as I pass. I have never actually hit the car in front whilst house hunting behind the wheel. (Well OK, only that one time. But who carries out an emergency stop in the middle of the road!)

I sympathise with my husband’s comparison of my car with a land fill site. But, the kids like to be creative with their crisp packets and view their floor covering designs as Modern Art. If Tracy Emin can call an unmade bed art, then my kids could make millions. I also like to view it as doing my little bit for recycling, the chocolate bar wrappers not only keep the floor mud free but also give the children something to read on long journeys. OK some crisp packets may date back to 2006, but one day they may be worth something, collector’s items even.

And maybe it wasn’t a good idea to take the roof down during a snow storm, but what mother doesn’t aim to please their child’s every whim.

So I really don’t think these are valid reasons to stop me having a new car.

You see I really don’t think I am a bad driver. I admit my driving instructor went white with shock when I waved the test pass in front of his eyes. He was convinced I wouldn’t pass first time, but I think he was a little relieved that I would no longer be available for unsheduled off roading sessions during lesson time, allowing the forest to return to its natural peacefulness. And maybe a few of my passengers now have their own personalised neck braces which they put on BEFORE I start driving.

I like to think that I am confident on the road and I am pleased to have quickly adapted my personality to compete with the other road users. I can swear in numerous languages to cater for all foreign drivers and my hand gestures would rival any professional sign language interpreter.

I have tried so hard to reason with my husband, but he won’t budge on the matter. So off I shuffle sadly to give my car its annual bath that always seems to coincide with its MOT. Obviously that is just a coincidence.

21 comments:

  1. Oh hilarious. I won't be getting a new car anytime soon either. No, I'm stuck with the car with matching front dents from my little 'accidents' WHOOPS.

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  2. LOL! Oh my gosh. Hilarious! I love my car, my car was bought new um, almost 2 years ago. Inside the front is all coated in dust and dirt from my riding boots to the point where my dad can't use it cause he's allergic and it makes him cough and sneeze and his eyes stream so he can't really see, so he doesn't use it. I consider this a bonus ;)

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  3. Another laugh out loud post - I think your adventures would make a great book.

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  4. You are too too funny Viv....maybe someday the new car will come (he may surprise you) LOL

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  5. Oh I can empathise, Vivienne. My car has matching go faster stripes on both sides, well actually they are matching scrapes achieved by failing to negotiate our gates correctly! I have matching dents in front and behind, gained as a result of misjudging the position of the front of our house - post-natal brain was definitely a factor! You will be pleased to know that no people were hurt in these incidents, just gates and bricks and mortar. Strangely enough, I tend to use the back entrance when I leave the kids off at school rather than the busy car park at the front - if they saw my car, they'd all want one....

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  6. hehe - i was hoping for another one of these posts!

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  7. *giggle* Jason looks at houses while he drives too. One might note that when I'm in the car with him, I drive. Always. :D

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  8. What about a used new car? I hear they sometimes come with love bumps already included. :)

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  9. Oh man, you have me busting a gut with this post. My car is old but I still love it and it's in good shape. I'm not saying good bye anytime soon to it unless I have to. Maybe you should try threats - like not doing his laundry or something - to get a new car. lol.

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  10. Too funny, Vivienne. And for what it's worth, I'm on your side ;-)

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  11. Thank you so much for that delightful read. I am estatic that I can now refer to the back of my van as a work of art!!!!! papers, bits, a random sock, shoe or rain jacket. What artist would not be thrill with that kind of medium?!! I love it!
    Cheers,
    Kristin

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  12. Lol great post as always, I hope you get a new car ;)

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  13. I need a new car more than you so I must speak nicely to bank of Darren next time I see him!!! Loved it as always Viv xxxx

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  14. Another fun and funny post! I could see you with your own humorous newspaper column!

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  15. Viv--I think you make a perfectly wonderful case for getting a new car. I think it's your husband who is nuts!

    Had to laugh at the bit about looking at houses. I much prefer to be passenger just so that I can take in as much of the scenery as possible. My husband will NOT ride in the car with me because I'm so easily distracted.

    Goodluck...

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  16. I love when you do this kind of post, and this one definitely had me laughing out loud.

    To be honest, everything you said about your driving is the reason I don't drive. Being a passenger *rocks*.

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  17. Lol! I'm 24 and I refuse to even learn how to drive. Cars scare the crap out of me.

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  18. Pahahahahahahaha! That's brilliant, Viv.

    I'm 24 and I don't drive. I took some lessons when I was about 19-20 and ended up driving over a roundabout. The worst part was I screamed, let go of the steering wheel and covered my eyes! Needless to say, my instructor didn't call me back to make another appointment. :P

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