Thursday, 31 March 2011

Life As We Know It! My Best Friend Weight Watchers.


My best friend WW(Weight Watchers) and I have fallen out. We had a huge argument which resulted in a few disturbing ProPoints being raised and now she refuses to take my calls. It seems that she was disgusted to discover my secret obsession for crisps, chocolate and wine.

So many times in the past she has constantly reminded me how she picked up the pieces when I fell out with my previous best friend SW(Slimming World). How she helped me through the bad times, the tears and the tantrums with her endless supply of carrot sticks, cucumber chunks and apple slices. I should be grateful for her attentive nature, but unfortunately I am not. It is almost a relief to my waistline to see the back of her.

I would like to say that our friendship has been a smooth one, but I would be lying. She has never understood my desperate need for the bad things in life. An evening in front of the television just doesn’t feel right without a bottle of wine and a bar of Dairy Milk. She would often do spot checks at my house late in the evening, stealing away any unmentionables and replacing them with inedibles such as muesli bars and fat free yoghurts instead.

She would never let me choose the restaurants we went to. It was always her choice, as she dragged me past McDonalds, where the smell alone could add a couple of pounds and push me into Subways for a healthy low calorie alternative.

She would hide my possessions on purpose. She knew it would be the only way to get my butt off the chair so took great enjoyment in regularly hiding my asthma spray – an important necessity when in the middle of an asthma attack!

Her idea of a girl’s night in would result in a TV marathon of the Biggest Loser whilst sweating away furiously on an exercise bike! Nightclubs and bars have become a thing of the past, since she has discovered Zumba; her idea of a girl’s night out.

She could be pleasant occasionally. She liked to pass me inspirational magazines every week, pointing out new recipes to try or other exercise regimes to help annihilate my wobbly bits.

She liked to buy me presents too. For Christmas she bought me a Wii exercise game. I was so excited I tried it straight away then hobbled around like a bow legged donkey for a week with each footstep resulting in a whimper.

Intent on finding the perfect gift for me, she bought me a pedometer for my birthday. This resulted in warning posters appearing around the village warning everyone of the unhinged woman who will stop and fiddle with herself in public. They didn’t understand when I tried to explain I was trying to work out the distance I had walked.

I know she isn’t missing me as she has lots of other friends. She shows off by hiring a hall to meet them once a week, gloating as she claims she can’t possibly fit so many people in her house. I am no longer invited to the inner circle and stand outside, my face pressed up against the window. But her other friends have been told to ignore me. They are fiercely loyal  to her; when one of us falls from grace, they know to treat them like lepers.

She has become a bit of a supplier on the side, selling sweets and low fat bars as acceptable substitutes for everyone’s sins. Personally I prefer the real baddies, but her cooking must be tasty as she has managed to convince the local supermarkets to sell boxes of the stuff with her name plastered all over it. She is quickly climbing up the ladder to world domination one low fat cracker at a time.

So for now, I will stand back and watch her ruin everybody else’s life. But she knows and I know that eventually I will have to talk to her again. As my jeans get too tight to pull up over my thighs and the buttons on my shirt struggle to contain my ever growing chest, I know my days without her are numbered. I will sigh, pick up the phone and beg her forgiveness, in order to start the cycle all over again and begin the endless repetitive journey to a smaller waistline.

22 comments:

  1. vivienne, that was so brilliantly written! i loved it!

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  2. Fab post Vivienne, this really made me laugh! I've had a very similar unhealthy friendship with SW for the last 10 years and we've often fallen out for the same reasons LOL. Since I found my new best friend CD (Cambridge Diet) I've actually lost more weight in 3 weeks than I've ever achieved with SW so long may our friendship continue :o)

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  3. Priya - thank you. That is lovely praise to hear from such a brilliant writer.

    Sarah - well done on doing so doing so well.

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  4. hehehe what's her current address?? I need to get in touch with her urgently...or on 2nd thoughts hmmm may be after I'll fix an appointment with her after hmmm some more happy days :D

    Very well written :D

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  5. Smita - I cannot encourage a friendship with her! LOL, she is dangerous to know!

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  6. Ha! Like any friendship (especially with another woman, it seems) there will be cat fights and silent treatments but then the eventual making up.

    Have to admit, though--Zumba does sound like a fun outing! ;) Loved this LAWKI Viv!

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  7. Haha, brilliant post! My Mum is currently best friends with WW, but their friendship is going really, really well. She's almost reached her target weight, and then just has to maintain it. And she's looking great! (Though I never thought she needed to lose weight in the first place).

    I can't see why you would like to be friends with any of these people anyway. I think you look lovely!

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  8. Trish- I am being coerced into joining Zumba. Those people who call themselves my friends are determined that I go.

    Jo - well done to your mum. I did reach target last year and then piled about a stone back on. Which I am presently working to get off AGAIN!

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  9. I'm guessing more than a few of us have been in your shoes! At the moment, I'm her BFF as I'm the mother of the bride in September :)

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  10. WW & I used to be very good friends too, and then one day I realized she was trying to convince me to eat too little, exercise too little, and lose way too much weight! I kicked her to the curb and now have a new bestie: sparkpeople, who is lovely and far more flexible!!

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  11. Ha-Ha! That sounds like my now defunct relationship with Jenny Craig...those folks, like Weight Watchers, really know how to take the fun out of EATING! I can still see the disappointed look on my consultant's face when I didn't reach the goals she set for me.

    I haven't actually tried WW, as those points seem WRONG, somehow, when I'm used to counting calories.

    I did break down and get an exercise bike the other day, believing (erroneously?) that I could ride it while watching TV and not have to feel guilty about missing the gym that day.

    Perhaps we'll all find just the perfect guilt-free relationship...some day.

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  12. As a lifelong dieter myself, you have my sympathy. I've tried everything except WW at this point. Now I'm just avoiding processed food and eating lots of fruits and vegetables, and it seems to help. But that means life without cake and juicy hamburgers. It's a sad, sad life.

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  13. LMAO "hobbled around like a bow legged donkey for a week with each footstep resulting in a whimper." I sooooooooo know that feeling!

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  14. I LOVE your life as we know it posts Viv.
    They are awesome and make me laugh so much.
    I hope you find a way of being friends with weight watchers AND eating those cupcakes I keep piling onto you ;) x

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  15. I loved this clever post Viv, and can relate to most of what you wrote. I've had a similar friendship off and on for years (off now, but should be on). Best of luck--for me i just like food too much....sighhhh

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  16. Vivienne, I love your Life posts and this one is no exception. I can't really think of anything clever to say, so let me just say how very clever--and funny--you are!

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  17. I reckon she sent me that same wii game! :D :D

    Me and she fell out a long time ago but she introduced me to her friend SW and me and SHE are fast falling out too!

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  18. Lol! Awesome post, you are just too funny. I would sure love to read that book you are working on ;)

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  19. awww...fun post viv! I take Zumba and it's fun to do with a friend.
    'bow legged donkey' lol!!

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  20. I hope you and WW will make up and be best of friends again. LOL

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  21. I really love these posts - Seriously, Viv. You should get them compiled and published. :D

    Zumba's my new best friend. I can't believe I'm seeing results from it already. Ha!

    A girl I used to work with swore by WW - She lots eight stone on it!

    To be honest, sometimes I wish I was on something like WW or Slimming World. At least I'd have some rules about what I can or can't eat. With my '3 Meals a Day' thing, it can get way too tempting. :P

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  22. Fiddle with herself!!!! I about died.

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